Go to London, I guarantee you’ll either be mugged or not appreciated.
1. For some reason London is one of the most popular travel destinations on the planet.
Hampstead Heath, London
2. This can only mean one thing: people are stupid. I mean, look at it. What a dump.
Millennium Bridge, London
3. For starters the Thames is disgusting.
Dartford Crossing, London
4. There’s no wildlife to be seen except squirrels and foxes.
Richmond Park, London
6. It almost never snows in winter, and when it does it’s just grey slushy stuff.
Battersea Park, London
9. The main problem with London is that it’s just so grey.
Kew Gardens, London
10. All the time. Grey, grey and more grey.
Brick Lane, London
11. And this incessant greyness just brings everyone down.
Notting Hill Carnival, London
12. Because nothing looks good in grey.
Hampstead Heath, London
13. All the new buildings in the city have totally ruined the skyline.
The Square Mile, London
14. And the older buildings aren’t much better.
Royal Albert Hall, London
15. Come on, Natural History Museum. You’re not even trying!
Natural History Museum, London
16. As we all know, Londoners hate everyone.
Broadwick Street, London
17. But can you really blame them when it looks like this?
St James’s Park, London
19. Of course the pubs in London are overcrowded and have zero character.
Notting Hill, London
20. Borough Market is just a tourist trap that does, at best, average food.
Borough Market, London
21. And who wants a market dedicated solely to flowers?! Fuckwits. That’s who.
Columbia Road Flower Market, London
22. In London it’s impossible to find any peace and quiet.
Hyde Park, London
23. And if your desires are… unconventional, there’s nothing here for you.
24. Tube stations are utterly characterless.
Marble Arch Underground Station, London
25. Don’t even get me started on the train stations.
St Pancras International, London
26. Oh, you like the Southbank? Aren’t you original.
The Southbank, London
27. The Olympics was a total waste of money. Legacy, my arse!
Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, London
28. And while we’re on the subject, no view in the world is worth paying to go up the Shard.
The Shard, London
29. East London is just full of of beards, cereal cafes and restaurants where you can’t book a table.
Victoria Park, London
31. Greenwich Mean Time? More like a massive WASTE of time amirite?
Greenwich Park, London
32. And the view from the top definitely isn’t worth it.
The Royal Observatory, London
33. Why on earth The Kinks decided to sing about something as boring as a Waterloo sunset I’ve got no idea. Fuck you, Ray Davies.
Waterloo Bridge, London
34. And after ten minutes in the Tower of London you’ll be BEGGING them to behead you.
The Tower of London, London
35. So in summary: London is a pile of wank and you should stay well away.
Battersea Power Station, London