If you can’t say anything nice…be passive-aggressive as hell.
1. For the hookup who won’t leave.
No, I do not want to get breakfast. I do want to pretend this never happened tho.
2. For the personal space invader.
No situation is so dire that your arm should be touching my arm.
3. For friends who are new parents.
Don’t have a baby, literally don’t know anything you’re talking about rn.
4. For the sad soul who tells you leggings aren’t pants.
Hello, are you new at life? Calm down.
5. For the Little Engine that THOUGHT he could.
No one in the history of ever has gotten an A for effort. Ever.
6. For people you owe money to, so they know you haven’t forgotten.*
*but also that you have no intention of paying.
7. For the person whose got a great personality.
If there’s climbing involved, it’s too much work.
8. For the friend who needs a gym buddy.
Running? Like what…on purpose?
9. For that friend who keeps trying to cross the line.
This isn’t a rom-com, chill.
10. For the friend who thinks they’re a great wing woman.
“Hope you like Top 40, it’s all she listens to.” Thanks, you’re the best, bffl.
11. For the friend who literally can’t even right now.
If you can’t handle her at her worst, it never gets better.
12. For the friend who keeps asking you to go speed dating.
Trying to decide between this and jumping off a bridge.
13. For that family member always trying to set you up.
Grandma, stop, I’m going to live forever. Let’s focus on you.
14. For the friend who calls everyone bae.
LOL at you trying to hold onto your youth.
15. For what’s-his-name that keeps texting you.
It’s not your face, it’s your brain. It’s stupid.
16. For the overly attached flirt at the bar.
If she says she’s not into relationships, IT’S A TRAP.
17. For anyone who disagrees with you about anything at all ever.
Oh, you think Five Guys is better than In-N-Out? I’ll pray for you.
18. For people who ask you to do anything outdoors.
How am I supposed to watch AHS if I’m hiking?! Use your brains, goddamn.
19. For the newly single friend.
You’re not alone. You’ve got Friends.
20. For anyone who wears socks with sandals.
What are you doing? People will SEE you.
21. For the person you’re just not that into.
Did you just ask me out? Let’s not and say we did.
22. For the guy searching for his Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
Sorry bro, but you are literally dreaming right now.
23. For anyone who prefers Walmart over Target.
You need to reevaluate some life choices.
24. For that person in the office you barely tolerate.
I bet they were the first to use the “see you next year” joke.
25. For the guy wearing the Suns Out Guns Out shirt.
Is this really who you want to be?
26. For your mother when she asks about your life goals.
Can’t talk about my five-year plan right now, Master Chef Junior marathon is on.
27. For anyone asking about your Valentine’s Day plans.
More important, Feb. 15 is the day of half-priced chocolate.
28. For the overly confident.
PSA: There’s ALWAYS room for improvement.
29. For people who make your brain hurt.
When being nice is no longer an option.
30. For the ex.
JK, harsh. But for real. No, just playing. No, I totally mean it.
31. For the rebound.
But then get out, we’re done here.
32. For guys’ bios that say, “This Tinder thing is weird right?”
Or if they’re posing with tigers. Or a celebrity. Or if they say, “I’m 6’2”, I guess that’s important here?”
33. For the stage five clinger.
If she’s like, just not into relationships, IT’S A TRAP.
34. For the friend in deep, deep denial.
She’s one “rescue cat” away from being “that girl.”
35. For the friend who has questionable taste.
If it started on the dance floor, leave it on the dance floor.
36. For the person you thought was a friend until they said “double date.”
For the love of all things Jessica Simpson, who are you even right now?
37. For the lovebirds.
You guys are adorable and it’s making my body violently ill.